dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
