I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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