the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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