Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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