i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
