hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
