I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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