I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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