I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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