I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize