I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
