so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
