Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
