He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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