So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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