I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
