I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
