and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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