dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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