I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize