Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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