if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
a search helicopter?!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize