Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
