You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
