I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
