If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
