omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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