I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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