i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize