i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
