I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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