at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
