Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize