get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize