I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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