Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize