I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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