I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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