Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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