I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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