STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
