Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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