Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize