what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
