Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize