I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Bring me that man meat
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
