if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
