i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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