I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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