Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
and eventually we just all took our pants off
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize