I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize