need another drink. this is the easiest way
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
