Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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