she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
