just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
