I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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