Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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