just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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