I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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