someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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