I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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