Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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