Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
