2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
