i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
