You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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