I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
