cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize