My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
a search helicopter?!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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