Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
vagina is talking i cant
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
