Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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