The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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