Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
